The Christmas Episode
by FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: It's Christmas on the castle ship, and no one loves it more than Lance. To his slight dismay.


Allura directed Coran and Shiro's attention to a point on the star map.

"Now that we have Planet Fykor on our side, we need to open up negotiations with the–"

"HOLY SHIT IT'S CHRISTMAS!"

They heard Lance barge in before they saw him.

"What?"

"Look! Look!" Lance gesticulated at his phone. "December 25th!"

"Huh," Shiro said. "Well, merry Christmas, Lance."

"What's going on?" Allura said.

"Only the BEST holiday of the whole year!" Lance shouted. "Do we have decorations? We need decorations. Do we have cookies? We need those too. How about a tree? Can we get a tree in here?"

"Lance, are you doing all right?" Coran asked.

"YES, I'M FULL OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!"

"All right, Lance, calm down," Shiro chuckled.

"I CAN'T! I didn't even KNOW it was Christmas today! We gotta haul out the holly PRONTO before it's not Christmas anymore!"

Lance sprinted out of the room.

"Shiro… what was that?" Allura asked.

"Oh. It's an Earth celebration. I guess Lance takes it pretty seriously."

"And I guess you don't?" Allura said.

"Not everyone does."

On cue, they heard a shout from the hallway.

"What do you MEAN you're Jewish?"

* * *

"Hunk!" Lance shouted, carrying a load of odds and ends. "You gotta make us some Christmas cookies before it's not Christmas anymore!"

"It's Christmas?"

"IT'S CHRISTMAS and we need some fucking mistletoe! Oh no, we don't have time for a Christmas ham! But that's okay, because Pidge couldn't eat it anyway!"

"Lance, I'm not THAT Jewish…" Pidge muttered, following after him with another pile of stuff.

* * *

The lounge was decorated with the brightest-colored towels the ship had to offer.

"Do I have to keep wearing this?" Pidge complained from beneath the makeshift elf hat.

"As the shortest person on the ship, yes," Lance said.

"It could be worse," Keith grumbled. He was wearing a pair of antlers that had come off a now-extinct creature.

"You expect to get the sleigh off the ground with THAT attitude, Prancer? Reindeer magic comes from one hundred percent pure Christmas cheer!"

"I never liked Christmas."

"Well we're going to fix that!" Lance said. "Do we have any other Scrooges here who need their Christmas fixed?"

The response was quiet.

"Um, Lance, I think you're the only one who celebrates it," Hunk said, looking around.

"That's a lie, you've been an honorary Christmas member since I met you!"

"Wait, have you had to deal with this EVERY year?" Pidge asked Hunk.

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Anyway," Lance clapped. "I've you gathered you all here for a very important reason."

"Are you going to read us the Christmas story?" Pidge snorted.

"Nope! We're doing something BETTER!"

"Well I AM rather curious as to what this festival is all about," Allura said.

"Eh, I'll fill you in on that later," Lance said. "Because everyone knows the best part of Christmas is…. GIFTS!"

He hopped over to Hunk and handed him something.

"Hunk! I got you a string that you can tie around your finger so you don't forget stuff and have a panic attack!"

Hunk smiled.

"Thanks, buddy."

"Only the best for a friend like you!" Lance beamed. "Pidge!" He scooted over. "I got you something so special you won't even believe it!" He produced a small object out of his pocket. "It's a genuine piece of Earth sweater lint! You know, with all those cool little Earth microbes! Nerds like microbes, right? Now you can have thousands of little friends who never bother you, subjected to your will at all times! Like the kind of friend you wish *I* was!"

Pidge snorted and shook her head.

"Oh my god, Lance."

"I love you too, Pidge," Lance took off the elf hat to ruffle her hair.

He moved over and handed something to Keith.

"Keith, since you're DUMB I got you the DUMBEST thing I could think of."

"Uh… thanks," Keith said.

Hunk peered over.

"Lance, isn't that your lucky penny?"

"What?! No! What kind of idiot carries around a lucky penny?" Lance blushed.

He quickly moved on to Shiro.

"Shiro, this is a rock because you ROCK!"

Shiro laughed as Lance put the rock in his hand.

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

"I would get you more rocks but I don't want to weigh down the ship."

"You mean you don't want to ROCK the boat?" Hunk winked.

"HUNK, I would banish you from Christmas Town if you didn't bring the cookies!"

"You say that every year."

Lance ignored him and went up to Allura.

"Allura," he bowed his head, "I don't know what to get a princess for Christmas, so I hope a kiss from your knight in shining armor will suffice."

He puckered up.

"…thank you but no," Allura said.

"Don't worry, I'LL take it!" Coran jumped up and kissed Lance on the cheek.

"Oh. Well." Lance said, wiping it off, "That's kind of all I had for you, too, Coran. Unless you also want a rock."

"I believe I've got enough rocks in my head to last a lifetime, my boy."

"I kind of figured. Sorry, but you're really hard to shop for, especially on short notice."

Lance grabbed a cookie and sat down.

"I wonder what's happening back home," Pidge said, rolling the ball of lint between her fingers.

"Yeah, this is the first Christmas where everyone thinks we're dead," Hunk said.

Keith glanced over at Shiro.

"Well, the important thing is that we're all here with each other. That's all I could ask for, whether it's Christmas or not," Shiro said.

Lance smiled.

"God bless us, every one."

* * *

"So, if I understand this Christmas festival," Allura said to Coran when they were alone, "It's a birthday party which Mister Scrooge refuses to attend, while Mister Grinch makes off with all the decorations, and Mister Santa has been deliberately clogging the ventilation."

"Oh, those must be the three wise men Lance was talking about," Coran mused.

"They don't sound very wise."

"Well it's not our place to judge primitive cultures. They all start somewhere."

"Indeed. Well, Coran, I've been thinking."

"Oh? What about?"

Allura put a hand to her chin.

"This 'Christmas' festival has been doing a lot for the team's morale."

Coran fluffed the fake Santa beard.

"And mine!"

"Of course," Allura giggled. "But I've noticed that no one has given Lance one of these goodwill tokens."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Coran asked.

"Yes. We should get something for him."

Coran pushed aside the fake mustache to tug at his real one.

"Well, I could–"

"I think it has to be a bit more special than that."

"That so? Do you have any ideas then?"

"I do, actually. What's that thing he keeps singing about? That he wants a 'hula hoop?'"

"Hmm… you mean the sacred hoop of the Hoo La people?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"I don't know, Princess, that sounds like some risky business."

"But you heard Lance. This is a critical custom for his subset of Earth people."

"Should we ask him about it first?" Coran said.

"We can't. He said everything on Christmas has to be a surprise."

"Hmmm. This is going to be difficult."

"But it has to be done. Are the paladins sufficiently distracted?"

"Last I knew, they were still singing. Or, Lance was, at least."

"Good. We'll have to make this quick."

* * *

The singing was over when they got back. Allura found Lance sitting alone in a corner.

"Lance, what's wrong?"

"Oh. Nothing," Lance looked up, wiping his face. "Nobody is sad on Christmas."

"That's clearly not true," she said. "Please tell me what's going on. Have we disturbed the ritual?"

"Ritual? No, you're fine. I just…" he hugged himself, "don't usually spend Christmas so far from home."

"Well, we have something you might be interested in."

"Really?"

Allura turned.

"Coran! Bring it in!"

The hoop scarcely fit through the door, moving with the weight of the hippopotamus that nobody had received for Christmas.

"What IS this thing?"

"It's that Hoo La hoop you've always wanted!" Coran panted on the other side. "Took QUITE a bit of bargaining, but fortunately the Hoo La people consider toenail clippings a sacred form of currency."

"We wanted to get you something special," Allura said. "Since your Earth ritual has been doing so much for the team, and because it only seems fitting for a festival that glorifies bestowing material objects upon people you care about."

Lance wiped his nose and smiled.

And then he laughed.

"I love you guys so much."


End file.
